Director: Juan Piquer Simón
Starring: Linda Day George, Edmund Purdom, Ian Sera
An excellent review by Mike Milling. A warning though, the clip at the bottom of this post is NSFW or for kiddies.
‘The Last Exorcism’, the latest ‘wet-ya-pants’ chiller directed by celebrated horror film-maker and ‘Inglorious Bear Jew’ Eli Roth, is released this week in UK cinemas. That’s all well and good, but what you are reading right now is not a review of that movie. I have nothing against that particular movie (or indeed exorcisms in general – be they the last or the first ever), I just haven’t seen it yet. Anyway, instead I’m going to review 80′s grindhouse classic ‘Pieces’, which I honestly don’t think enough people have seen, and just happens to be widely reported as one of Eli Roth’s favourite films ever and an inspiration for his work (see the connection now?). It also happens to be one of MY favourite horror flicks, but I’m not dating tattooed Scientology pixie Peaches Geldof, so obviously you don’t give a shit about me.
It can be a hazardous minefield searching through countless grind-house B-movie dross trying to find a true gem, but this is definitely one of them. A gloriously sleazy, trashy, badly/brilliantly made gore-fest slasher classic of exploitation cinema…
Boston: 1942 – A young boy in a vomit inducing tank-top frantically puts together a pornographic jigsaw of a nude woman…naked as the day she was born…completely billy-bollocks (ahem). For obvious reasons, the boy is rather excited. That is, until his mother walks into the room and catches the filthy monkey. In a few seconds, the filthy monkey in question goes from sexually excited to full-on murderous and homicidal. He butchers the interfering hag with an axe. IF ONLY I had thought of that the last time my mum found me salivating over an erotic jigsaw. Usually I just mope around, embarrassed, and don’t talk to her or look her in the eye for a few days.
Suddenly, we are transported to a university in America (which is actually Spain) in present day (which is actually 1982 – come on, keep up). Lots of gruesome murders (which, to be fair, are pretty well-done) are happening on campus. Bad party music is playing in the back-ground. Brain-dead sorority girls are roller skating into massive panes of glass. The guy who played ‘Bluto’ in the ‘Popeye’ movie is gardening. The Dean of the university (played by Bram Stoker’s Dracula – lets call him ‘Dean Drac’) doesn’t know what to do. The police (led by 2 men – the poor-man’s Lee Marvin and a chap who appears to be made out of crumpled old sand-paper) are similarly perplexed, and have no choice but to enlist the help of cinema’s greatest hero – Kendall James, an inquisitive (though obviously unqualified and completely inexperienced) young student who is, shall we say, some what of a ladies man (god knows why, due to that cardigan he’s wearing).
Forget Batman, Indiana Jones or James Bond. Kendall James is THE MAN! Along with his painfully nerdy sidekick Howard Swartz (who vanishes before the last half-hour of the film, for no reason I can think of other than him being too nerdy for any sane person to handle) and the sexy undercover cop/sexy tennis instructor/sexy tennis champion/sexy blonde woman (who screams the word ‘BASTARRRRDDD!!!!’ better than anyone, ever) the inept cops have teamed him up with, Kendall solves the mystery and everything works out for the best…well, almost. Lots of people die…horribly. HORRIBLY!
And that’s it really…Oh yeah, at one point, Kendall saves ‘sexy tennis cop’ from being kicked in the face by his over-enthusiastic kung-fu professor…And the murderer spends a good portion of the film trying to put together the porny jigsaw while wearing big, stupidly awkward gloves (what an idiot)…And lads, be prepared to cross your legs at the end of the movie. Trust me (poor, poor Kendall James. It’s the women of the world I feel most sorry for. They’re the ones who are going to miss out).
So if you never seen this underrated master-class in death and insanity, watch it. Right now. It’s what Eli Roth wants you to do. And what I want you to do (but who the fuck am I, right?). Anyway, It beats just sitting at home piecing together an erotic jigsaw (again), that’s for sure.
