Director: Paul W S Anderson
Starring: Milla Jovovich, Ali Larter, Kim Coates, Shawn Roberts, Sergio Peris-Mencheta, Spencer Locke, Boris Kodjoe, Wentworth Miller, Sienna Guillory
Adam Truscott really didn’t enjoy the film.
The One Where I Hate Resident Evil: AfterLife, And You Should Too
Right. I’ve written a few bits on here for films I love. Now? Now I step into the breach once more, and tackle what is undeniably the worst film of all time.
I was excited to see the first film. I’m a gamer. I’m an Event Horizon fan (also known as an apologist). What’s not to like?
Well, quite a lot as it happens. I thought it was dire.
I love my games. I’d probably be quite protective over a Pro Evo game (Goal 4: PES? Nice ring too it.) I’ll also turn in an early grave if they make a Call Of Duty film. Especially if Uwe Boll directed it.
The thing with Resident Evil: Afterbirth is that it would have been better, had it been made by Boll.
I know, I know. But hear me out.
I had average to slightly-above-average expectations.
The 3D used Cameron’s cameras. The PS3 dynamic theme was nice. Milla Jovovovovich is nice to look at. What could go wrong?
How about the film resorting to thermal images on more than one occasion where the effects budget ran out?
How about the 3D using bullet time? By this point, it’s worth noting I’d given up on “homages”. The plane crashing on the roof was a shameful riff on escape From New York. So I sat there, wondering… why not riff more from that sort of thing?
There is a bit where our crew escape – sorry, no idea on names. There is a token black guy though. And a complete prick. So that’s two stereotypes taken care of.
They clamber through walls, and tunnels. It’s everything you’d want from a sub par Neil Marshall follow up. Except it’s lacking in taut, tight editing. A lack of tension. No creative spark. No nothing.
The whole film just exists.
It’s sole purpose is to get to the next level… sorry, next film. The ending will have fans punching the air.
“Yes! They’ll be another one. Brilliant. I hope they bring the massive axe giant back.”
Ahh. The massive axe giant. The best thing in the film, that literally appears from David Lynches dream. No warning. No entrance. Just strolling along the road. Through a crowd of rubbish zombies. Then into the prison bit they’re all in. He fights a bit. Then with a double tap of “X”, and a combo pattern of “Y, RB, LB, Y, Y, Y” – he’s done.
“Finish him!”
Oh Jesus. My heart sank. I realised that was the best bit in the trailer. Done. I should have left. Truth is, I had two hours to kill. Plus I’d paid my £1.50 surcharge.
Oh… didn’t I mention? I have a Cinepass. I only paid £1.50. Can you imagine the profanity if I’d paid any more? I’d need a by pass.
There are elements of Afterbirth that are OK.
The opening is quite good. Then clones turn up, and I felt myself regretting not seeing Scott Pilgrim again.
They ape Matrix again here, too. This time the office shoot out. I liked this bit. Bullets were flying towards the screen. I text my wife and asked if I Could have a 3D TV. She said yes. Maybe that’s why I’m so pissed off.
What’s the point in getting one if this is all I can buy?? Plus I’ve heard the 2D conversion is rubbish, so even Jeremy Kyle would look terrible.
I’m confused at the moment.
Even a little angry.
I keep telling myself that I’ll get over it.
Problem is, I saw it ten days ago.
I’m off to watch that seminal B movie, “Custard Shark People”. Anythings got to be better than wallowing in the fact that P.W Anderson (not of Magnolia fame!), not only gets paid millions to make shite. He also gets to sleep with Milla Jovovovvovich.
Son of a bitch must pay!
