Director: Tom Six
Starring: Dieter Laser, Ashley C Williams, Ashlynn Yennie, Akihiro Kitamura
31 Days of Horror continues with this review by Roberta Flogogo. Send me your horror reviews.
Okay, so here’s the thing, right? I was asked to write a review of any Horror film I wished for the Live For Films 31 Days of Horror blog. After some serious thought I decided, no, bugger that, I’ll write a critique of The Human Centipede instead.
The Human Centipede, yeah, that’ll do; a prime slice (pardon the pun) of the style of film that in these dark days of dime-a-dozen cack-tastic entertainment I still have an opinion on.
I’ll try to be brief.
First up though, an explanation.
Not by any accurate description of the genre is The Human Centipede a horror film. I say that right off the bat in the hope that the argument can be put to bed finally.
I love horror. I grew up on it, and I’ve been watching horror films – the great, the good, and the downright embarrassing for well over 30 years.
I make no judgement on the sub-genre culture, and admittedly there are many great slasher, gore and splatter films out there. But very few can claim to be horror films.
A Horror film must contain an element of the Supernatural. It’s the rule. Ask any film academic. Okay, don’t. They use boring words and phrases, like dialectic, discourse, cross reference and apodeictic, and pummel you with a flatline drone until you pray for death at the hands of a wire-brush wielding psycho.
At their best slasher movies belong to the Thriller or Personal Drama genres; and even then they’d be in the sub-genre of Crime Drama or Police Thriller. That’s the truth, simply put… so get over it.
So all the Goths, Emos and Manson worshipping faux-Satanists who think it’s so dark and interesting to believe that The Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Halloween are the greatest Horror films ever made, should really go back to watching cop shows like Dempsey and Makepeace. Showing my age? Okay, The Bill then. Is that better?
In case there’s steam coming out of your ears and bubbles coming out of your nose right now, I’d like to re-iterate, I’m not making a judgement on those films. My taste in film is not exclusive to Horror. In fact there are very few genres that I dislike, save Romantic Comedy (a sub-genre of Personal Drama if anyone’s interested) – and even then, there are one or two rom-coms I can tolerate.
Which brings us to The Human Centipede.
In recent years we’ve seen the puzzling (to me) rise of the sub-genre of a sub-genre – the clue’s in the label (you may have to think about that for a moment#).
When Slasher and Splatter first appeared in the 60s they were made by true craftsmen like Alfred Hitchcock – who had no idea he was making a ‘Slasher’, let alone a Horror – and George A. Romero. Romero’s Night of the Living Dead is justifiably in the Horror film ballpark because zombies are historically part of the occult ‘netherworld’. But they had one thing in common. Social commentary. (Okay, so there are rare examples prior to the 60s – but at the time they were considered part of the genre to which they genuinely belonged).
The producers and writer/director of The Human Centipede and it’s Torture Porn bullplop ilk (or whatever new sub-genre of a sub-genre of a sub-genre label they’re vomiting at us now) would love us to think that they were making some serious social commentary with their film.
But this is how it reads to someone who has been round the block far too many times to be fooled by such manipulative subterfuge:
A couple of friends are sitting around having a few drinks, thinking about making a few quid at this filmmaking lark. One of them posits the question, “What’s the most gross-out idea you can think of that’ll put bums on seats?” And really people, that’s about it.
Okay, they shoehorned some ideas about German and Japanese history, about how we’re all insects in the grand scheme of things, how science is dangerous in the hands of maniacs, and how Americans are forced to consume any old shit, but they’re so clumsily and literally executed that it’s as plain as the nose on my face – and I have a very big nose – that those elements were added as an afterthought, probably to justify financing the movie as a piece of relevant cinema.
The attempt to shock people has become tiresome for me. It’s just no-brain rubbish and a pointless exercise in my opinion. (And yes, it is just my opinion).
Yes, I cringed. Yes, I was shocked. But principally because a film this bad could actually draw the attention of a wider audience than it deserves. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying it doesn’t deserve to be made. I’m not a film fascist by any means. But I left this crap behind when I left my teens.
But what the heck? Are you seriously telling me that this kind of cheapo exploitative rubbish is virtually mainstream now?? What the heck has happened to the movie industry?
I’m all for Exploitation cinema, but not when it’s the audience being exploited.
I won’t go into the one-dimensional character portrayals, the unadventurous camerawork, the absurdity of the narrative (It makes the German Police force seem like inept morons, and suggests that the best German surgeons are as dexterous as Rob Green – that’s the butter-fingered ex-England goalkeeper for those that don’t know).
In fact, I know I promised a critique but I really can’t be bothered all of a sudden. I’m done with this. I’m too old to think there’s something ironically cool or kitsch about liking rubbish.
Yeah, I watched Troll 2 – for free thankfully – and that was rubbish. Not the ‘so bad it was good’ type rubbish that some would have you believe. Just rubbish. And The Human Centipede will go in the same bag.
Okay, okay, it’s not as bad as Troll 2, but I doubt there’ll be people doing The Human Centipede dance down at the local discotheque in 2 years time either.
Actually that last comment may be a little premature. Apparently this was only ‘The First Sequence’, which means it’s likely there’ll be more cack shoveled down our throats before the Mayan’s count us down from ten to caboom!
But finally a note for Mr. Six*. ‘Hey, mate, don’t know if you’re bothered but you’ll find that the anus is actually situated between the cheeks of the arse.’
Actually after watching his efforts I’m not surprised his anatomical knowledge is out of whack. I think he writes with his anus.
Notes:
#SUB-genre. Meaning less than. I.e. sub-species.
*Mr. Six directed the er, wotsit. The doowackey… you know, the oojamaflip. You’ve seen them in the supermarket. In the big baskets near the checkout.
