Princess of Persia (One Night With The King) review by Adam Truscott

Director: Michael O. Sajbel
Starring: Tiffany Dupont, Peter O’Toole, Omar Shariff, Luke Goss, John Rhys-Davies, John Noble, James Callis

The One Where I Thought Princess Of Persia Was A Porno, Enjoyed It Anyway, Then Found Out its Dirty Little Secret…

Holy shit. Peter O’Toole (probably best known as an uncredited Scottish Piper in the original Casino Royale), AND Omar Shariff.

Together again.

I’m not too sure what to say. Surely this bypassed me in the cinema… But how? When?

There was something different about this film. It didn’t have the “made for TV” feel that other screeners have had.

The opening scenes, with a vast amount of scale, and dare I say it… sets, suggest there is more to this than meets the eye.

That may be an appropriate time to say I am bitterly disappointed this didn’t turn out to be a porno – don’t worry, I’ll clarify that.

What I mean is… Princess Of Persia, hot off the heels of Prince Of Persia suggests to me at least that this is homage to that film. But with hot Princesses. Am I way off here?

Does anyone understand my surprise/disappointment that the only nudity is Luke Goss’ (BLADE 2!!), ridiculously sculpted abs. Plus all of the extras abs. In fact, now I think about this, I’ve never been more cheated in a film. This film WAS porn. For men that like men. Never judge a film by its cover!

The film on IMdB immediately comes up as “One Night With The King”, which is interesting. It came out in 2006, too* So my theory is out of the window before it started, and I realize I have just been shallow. I feel empty. Hollow. I look at myself in the mirror in disgust that Phil would send me the film I imagined in my head. I realize how awkward it would have been for me to review it in the first place, knowing Mummy and Daddy may read. I am Jacks embarrassed, bruised ego.

This film came out in cinemas, too. And…What? Hang on. WHAT?

Whoa, whoa, WHOA.

Re-reads IMdB several times. Gets calculator out

HOLY SHIT. IMdB has the budget for this film at $20 Million. Is this some sort of sick joke? 20 MILLION? WTF is that about? Hang one…

Re-reads IMdB several times. Gets calculator out. Google’s how many zeros make a million

Well now I feel I have every right to be aggrieved. That’s mental. $20,000,000?

Crazy money. How did this get made? Who green lit it? I’m thinking back to 2006, and thinking, the only logic was Troy in 2004 doing well. But that was critically bashed. It did “well” because it had Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom (Remember him? The fact a Cameron Crowe movie killed his career will be a pub quiz question for years).

So, someone sat at a table in Hollywood, must have said:

“I’ve got a brilliant idea. Lets release Princess Of Persia. It will probably cost 20 million bucks, but loads of people will think its porn, so we’ll get them in in their droves!”

(An intern with a small amount of cajones pipes up….)

“But… Why? Who wants to see that? It has made for TV written all over it. For 20 million bucks, we could make a 10 part TV series. Maybe get Peter O’Toole as a wise sage… Middle America will lap it up.”

(Like the scene in Kill Bill, the big, fat studio exec runs along the table – this time puffing and panting – and beheads the poor intern).

“Now, have any of you fucks got something else to say, now’s the fucking time!

…

No? Then get Peter O’Toole on the phone. That was a good idea. Maybe Omar Sharif, too. And someone get me my iPod. I’ve been listening to a lot of Bros, recently… Holy shit. Bros. Ha. It’s an epiphany. GET ME LUKE GOSS – future star of Death Race 2! Tell all three of these Hollywood Legends we’ll pay them 6 mill each… and if they say no… Um… make them think it’s a porno. K?”

If you think about it, it had to have happened that way.

IMdB says, “It took 3 years for the film to reach theaters”.

It also says:

“The book of Esther (on which this film is based) is one of two books in the Bible that does not mention God. The closest it comes is when Mordecai says to Esther, “We will pray for you.” The other book is Song of Songs”.

So, essentially, they spend twenty million bucks on a film that could have tapped into Americas Bible belt. But won’t/didn’t.

And finally, to vindicate me:

The film’s UK DVD release was titled “Princess of Persia” (despite Esther being a queen, not a princess) in an attempt to capitalize on the unrelated film Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010), which was released three days earlier”

No, not the bit about cashing in on the other Persia movie… SHE WASN’T EVEN A BLOODY PRINCESS! Who would watch a porno about a Queen??

Look, see this, or don’t see it. It has camp appeal. There are loads of abs, although why you wouldn’t rather watch 300, I’ll never know.

I really liked the sets, and the scale. But that was before I knew it cost TWENTY MILLION BUCKS. Consider that the final nail in Hollywood’s coffin for me, after The Kings Speech won all of those Oscars.

I’m a bit disillusioned with films at the moment.

Thank God I’m seeing drive Angry in a few hours.

*Have a word with some of these Distributors, Phil. Tell them we want Kill Bill: The Whole Bloody Affair early, or not at all!