Director: Eric Forsberg
Starring: Paul Logan, Tiffany, Barry Williams, David Labiosa
The One Where MEGA PIRANHA Makes Me Want To Be A Better Man
I’m making a conscious effort to not be so tongue in cheek. I think some films deserve it. Screeners, that Phil sent me, mainly.
Princess of Persia, costing $20 MILLION BUCKS!? It had it coming.
Denizen, homemade, and…awful? Same.
But sometimes, just sometimes, the awfulness, (and the budget), combine to create a brilliant viewing experience. And that is why I am staggered, staggered, that I had never seen MEGA PIRANHA.
Phil had emailed me, the previous night:
Phil: How do you like Monsters?
Mav: Scary ones?
Phil: All sorts of ones?
Mav: I LOVE monsters! Especially King Kong. Does that count?
Phil: I have a brilliant opportunity for LFF. It involves Monsters.
Mav: Wait, wait, and wait… I’m way ahead of you.
Phil: You are? I only just got the invite…
Mav: I’ll have the review over in the next few days. I’m excited.
Phil: I don’t think we’re talking about the same thing. Gareth Edwards? Homemade effects on his own computer?
Mav: Holy shit. He did this too? The guys a genius. They should get him to re-boot Godzilla. It looks… amazing. Just amazing.
Phil: OK. This is painful. I’ll see you later.
Mav: OK! See you later! Hey… talking of Monsters… did you see Jameson were doing one of those thingies? Phil? Phil??
Phil: deep sigh
Jokes aside, the timing of when I watch a film can be everything. If the film is short, and entertains, there is a good chance I’ll let it off for all of its short comings.
MEGA PIRANHA (it demands to be written in Caps), is short. It’s editing is quicker than Tony Scott, (Sorry, but Unstoppable was SHIT!). It wastes no time in getting where it wants to be. And that’s about it.
Have a guess what it’s about?
You can then guess straight away that the opening scene has a group on a boat, getting attacked by a group of Piranha…. Sorry, PIRANHA.
So far, so Piranha 3D. There is no Jaws related cameo here, though. It does, however, have one of the greatest lines ever in any movie…
“I don’t think we should be talking about Politics, now”, says the obligatory fat man, as he’s given a drink by a topless beauty.
As the extras tell us, the girls on the boat?? They’re local whores that filled in for some other Actresses that wouldn’t go topless. See? The film is full of charm.
Just touching on that fact. I can’t remember the last time I watched any extras. I didn’t even touch the ones on the BTTF/Aliens box sets. I watched them all on MEGA PIRANHA, though. Why? Well, predominantly, I’m intrigued how these sorts of film shoots go. How much guerilla filmmaking costs. They had to move filming completely after torrential rainfall. The shoot was way too short to afford a week of no filming.
So, what you really want to know is… How bad is it? Well, for me, it’s better than MEGA SHARK VERSUS GIANT OCTOPUS. And I don’t say that lightly.
Do we get supposed scientific reasons for MEGA Piranhas? Check.
Do the Piranhas get more and more mega (bigger), by eating each other? Check.
Is there an underwater section, where actors interact with effects that are never in the same shot as them? Check.
Does the film make me want to convert it to 3D? Check.
Is the acting worse than Denizen? Check.
Do we get an unnecessary political subplot? Check.
Does said subplot end up in one of the bad guys getting eaten whole? Check.
Is he 100 feet up in the air, at the time? In a Helicopter? Check.
Does Tiffany (!) sing over the end credits? Check.
You’re already sold, aren’t you? The idea of a Piranha jumping 100 feet in the air, and still getting a decent bite onto a moving helicopter? Admit it. As money shots go, it’s pretty hard to not want to see that.
The film is so tongue in cheek, (I hope), so knowingly cheap, that it’s hard not to root for it a little. The effects are passable, too. As a massive fan of Aja’s Piranha 3D, I would almost say they were on a par. Especially the scene where the Piranhas eat the submarine (!!).
Piranha 3D was the clear inspiration, here. I always used to get frustrated when I saw films trying to ride on the back of another’s success. I think of my Mum going into HMV and buying it by mistake as a present for Dad for Christmas.
Now, these screeners have changed my perception, a little. In this case, some people wouldn’t have even noticed the difference. And that’s coming from a huge fan of Aja’s ludicrous follow up to Jim Cameron’s “classic”.
Get the beers in. This film is every bit as bad (read: good), as you would hope.
Now, I don’t know why. I have a craving to watch the third best film of 2010. Monsters.
