The One Where Machete Don’t Text

“Machete don’t text!”

30 minutes into Machete, Danny Trejo (a living Legend), has to escape. He’s in Hospital, and surrounded. You can put yourself in Robert Rodriguez’s head, and hear the gears and cogs turning. Maybe we should have him sneak past all of those henchmen in a ridiculous way? Then, once he’s behind them, maybe he could use all of the tools the Doctor was just using to mend him, after he was betrayed for the second time in the film. (Is he meant to be simple?). Then, he could cut a guy open, and use his intestines as a rope. He could swing out of one window, and then down into the one below. It could be like  a homage to Die Hard. And make people decide there and then if they are going to stick the film out. Because make no mistake, Machete isn’t for everyone…

I’ve been a Rodriguez fan since the very start. During my Media Studies A-Level, we rightly studied things like Don’t Look Now, but even then I knew my taste in films. I can watch and appreciate anything, but I couldn’t understand why we weren’t spending more time doing things like El Mariachi. A film made from scratch, but some hotshot who turns up on set wearing a bandana, and who does his own music, editing, directing etc etc.

I got the book, Rebel Without a Crew: Or How a 23-Year-Old Filmmaker With $7,000 Became a Hollywood Player, and immediately appreciated that this guy was different.

A few years later, when he had given the world Desperado, and more importantly, From Dusk Til Dawn, I was a fan for life.

I think you know what you are going to get from a RR film more than any other Director. Obviously he has his kids films too, and as a young Dad what I love about those is they are for his kids. But the adult films? Pure Grindhouse.

When RR and Tarantino announced Grindhouse, I was happier than anyone. I knew the UK would balls it up in terms of release, but knew that eventually, the films would find their place on “Home Video”. And so today, when I completed the set with Machete on Blu Ray, I feel my collection just got a little more complete.

The trailer for Machete, as part of Grindhouse, was what made a lot of people perk up. Out of all of them, (Maybe with the exception of Eli Roth’s “Thanksgiving”), it was the one most likely to be made into a movie. It was also the one I wanted to see the most, too (Maybe with the exception of Edgar Wrights Don’t!).

So how does it fare?

Well, I admire RR’s confidence in his product, that’s for sure. Ten minutes shy of two hours, though? I think even he would have to admit he was being a tad ambitious. Machete is an ideas film. A series of scenes tagged together. The trailer, (any trailer), can deliver that with very little challenge. The bits in between are what will make or break the film.

For me, the cast make it.

De Niro channelling his Max Cady accent? Sold.

Jeff Fahey with a simply immense haircut/beard combo? Sold.

Introducing Don Johnson? Sold.

Watching them all together, knowing RR was probably giggling away behind the camera makes the ride worth it.

RR is the king of editing, too. He knows he can peak your interest by a quick action scene, which here, is more up close and bloody than ever before.

The gore is fascinating to me. RR is so good at interacting effects into his films, that they become one of the highlights of the film. RR will run out of inventive ways to kill people soon, I’m sure. But for now? How about a 4×4 going up on its rear wheels, then falling to crush a bad guy? Sold.

I’ve not even mentioned Alba and Rodriguez (HOT), or Seagal (Not hot).

The end fight, with Seagal and Machete is brilliant. So much so that you’ll want a prequel of the two of them, when they used to be “Brothers”. I know I do.

As the film is played for laughs, it would be easy for the violence to not hit home. It does. It hits right between the eyes. This is friday night fare. Get a few beers in. Maybe do it as a three parter with Grindhouse. In fact that’s exactly how it should be viewed. I just gave myself an idea…

There are very few extras, which is unusual for a RR film. And a shame. I would love to see more on the effects, or on how RR cut scenes from the trailer into the film. I’ve bought enough DVDs/Blu Rays to know I got sold short on this, but look around, find it cheap, then get hold of it. It’s everything a Grindhouse flick should be.

And when Machete does text? He means it. You just fucked with the wrong Mexican.