“A polar bear fell on me.”

A Review Of Battleship – The One Where Berg Manages To ‘Eff Up Giant Robots

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Urgh. What an abhorrent piece of shit. A total abortion of a movie. And that’s coming from someone who loves giant robots. And who thought the first trailer was brilliant – and totally not what I expected.

So why the hate?

Well, I’ll tell you. For a start, the opening of the movie has Kitsch (definite charisma, but this and JC may have killed him before he started), stealing a burrito. It’s a long story, but Berg is determined to tell it. It’s a metaphor, too. So Berg spends 10 minutes establishing that. Then, BOOM, title card. And I mean BOOM. Holy shit, this film is the loudest I’ve seen in a long time. And I don’t mean it in a good way. Still, as I adjusted my numb ass, (I’d just come out of Titanic 3D. Now that is a movie), I had a thought… This could be really good.

Instead, straight after the title cards we get a football match. Not NFL. Football. Between Japanese Navy guys, and American Navy guys. And Rhianna. Now, I’d leave my wife for Rhianna, but here she’s intent on making every line a one liner. Hudson she ‘aint. Not only do they keep saying, “overtime!”, but they add all kinds of other shit in too. If only there was a last-minute penalty, where Kitch’s character has to make a decision. And grow as a person. My god, really? Has it come to this?

When Peter Berg made The Kingdom, I had high hopes. Hancock, I can take and leave. But now, he can do one. He has nuked the fridge on his career. And the worst thing is people will say he’s aping Michael Bay here. To an extent he is, but he shows that underneath all of the Bayhem, (ahem), Bay actually has talent. Because he’s never made a mess of a film like this before. Not even Revenge Of The Fallen – and I don’t say that lightly.

You’re all thinking, “so what? It takes 45 minutes before we see an alien ship. Big deal”. Spielberg does the same.  But you don’t understand. You don’t realise that, at a vital point in the film, Berg gets OAPs to save the day. I’m not even joking. They lift a torpedo, and carry it. I almost cried. It was like a bizarre recruitment video. Like Act Of Valour, but worse. And Act Of Valour was so meh, I didn’t even write my thoughts on it.

In amongst all of the hate, I tip my hat at the technology on show. I loved the ship designs. Loved the aliens. Loved their suits. I loved most of that stuff. But what Berg does with them is heinous. In a bid to keep the film in keeping with the game, (seriously, why bother?), we get to see a pivotal end fight from the perspective of a board. With numbers and letters. Which is all well and good, but there’s no explanation as to why the good guys keep missing. We see the ship “jump”, and then crash back onto the water. But really? These are homing missiles! Maybe they should’ve got the OAPs to load the guns. Urgh.

I think that’s all I want to say about this film. As I say, I went to see Titanic, and it’s aged majestically. The effects to this day are sensational. Battleships are great, too. But will anyone return to see it in a few years? I won’t. And I’m a Blu Ray whore. I don’t even think my 4 y/o would bother with it.

It was sold out on  a preview, and I sat really close. I’m trying to justify the hate, but maybe that’s why it was so loud? I guess, even turned down, there is no excuse for rock music over a battle scene. Take a leaf out of Horner’s book, Berg. Instead, all Berg is interested in is Burritos – even getting Neeson to mention it at the end.

I think I feel so cheated because of an Interview I read with Berg. It’s all character driven, he said. You see Kitsch become a real hero, and a human being. Oh do fuck off, Berg. Shia had a better arc in the Transformer films, and that’s saying something.

I feel angry, bitter and broken. Berg can do Hancock 2 and live in purgatory for all I care. He’s a long way from making another taut, underrated Jeremy Piven film, that’s for damn sure.

So, that’s that.

The best thing about my trip to see Battleship was the trailer for Prometheus. That won’t have rock music over the finale. Or OAP’s getting involved. Or a token black guy having fake legs, just to set up a cyborg joke later on. And the reason it won’t have any of those things? Because Ridley Scott isn’t a cock.

It’s Mike Cheese I feel sorry for. He loves giant robots and that. But Robot Jox this ‘aint.