“Long live the new flesh.”

A Tiny Review Of Piranha 3DD – The One Where T&A Is A’OK

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It’s always the way. Wait for a review, and you get two. Or Three. So make sure you read THIS. It’s awesome. But what I have to say is important. It may change your recent run of seeing poor films, (THIS aside), at the big screen. And you’re thinking of avoiding this. I know you are. So I’m going to get this off my chest.  My 3DD chest…

Piranha 3DD is immense. It is easily the funniest film I’ve seen this year. Yep. Even funnier than The Avengers (Assemble, yadda yadda). How so? Well, here’s a quote:

“Josh just cut his penis off with a knife, as something crawled out of my vagina (a Piranha), and bit him.”

She’s covered in blood when she says it. Probably naked. It is easily the greatest scene of all time. EVER. I was crying with laughter at the general gaul of it. That takes balls, man. What other film could get away with it? What other film could top the 3D cock that was spat out in the first movie? I just had to raise my (smuggled in) coke to the screen. Top Gun High Five Lo – the only other attendee – and sit back and relax. I knew I was in good hands with this. And that’s good. Because my hands could have been elsewhere, if you know what I mean.*

I’m a big fan of the first film. Like Final Destination, it’s exactly the 3D distraction you need in your life. It’s fun. It knows its stupid, (God, I hope it knows it’s stupid). It whips along at a rapid pace. Then, before we know it, the Piranhas are loose in an Adult swimming pool (*FULL FRONTAL KLAXON*). Biting, and that. Flying out at the screen.

There’s no hope for human kind. We look lost as a race. And then, one of Peter Cetera’s finest moments kicks in, and The Hoff runs, man-boobs and all, at camera. Saving lives. It’s ridiculous.

If only they’d thought of Ving Rhames returning. And giving him metal legs. With shotguns attached.

That’s it from me. Mercifully short. Because, to be frank, if that doesn’t sell it, you’re not the kind of person that should be reading.

Sorry for the juvenile, puerile, irreverent review. Piranha 3DD brings it out in me.

* Just to clarify, I meant on my own penis.