"We're just like Kevin Bacon.”

The One Where If You Pull Prometheus Apart, You Need To Pull Citizen Kane Apart, Too

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*As ever, tongue firmly in cheek. I can’t make you love me, or Prometheus, but I just want you to treat it the same as everything else, OK? Sure? You might regret that….*

Remember that bit in Alien where the Space Jockey had a giant hole in his tummy? That was odd, wasn’t it?

Remember that bit where John Hurt’s curiosity killed the cat – and he stuck his head in an Egg? That was odd, wasn’t it?

Remember that bit where Ripley and Co. let curiosity kill their cat, too – and they opened the ship doors? That was odd, wasn’t it?

So why, some thirty years later, have you all forgotten that? Why are you bashing Prometheus for exactly, EXACTLY, the same thing?

I love Alien. I love all of the films I take the piss out of below. But people bring it out in me. “Oooohh, I’ve thought about it and read the Guardian, and I now think it’s shit”. Fine. I’m A’ OK with it. But you need to apply that to everything else. Ever. Otherwise you’re a hypocrite.

And the only thing worse than that is a racist.

Don’t read on if you’ve never seen Prometheus, btw. And if you haven’t…. why haven’t you? I haven’t discussed a film this much, since Drive… I’m in love with films, again!

Prometheus isn’t perfect. I never suggested it was, >>> HERE.

What I’m starting to get though, is siege mentality. Everyone bitching and moaning about the same things. Saying they’ve read up on it, (but seemingly never further than the Guardians film page). Prometheus is in many ways why I love this site. While I always will. T’other day we posted a link to a fascinating Ridley Scott interview. It gave me all I wanted. But then, I wouldn’t have lost slept if he hadn’t. ANd he didn’t need too. Or shouldn’t have. But popcorn culture now means people need pictures to go with the words. Or in Prometheus’ case, more words to go with the pretty pictures.

It’s a shame.

But that’s not why I’m becoming a keyboard warrior. Oh, no.

Instead, I’m going to ruin some of the best films of the last thirty years. You know… since Alien. I’m going to do that, by posting retarded or unexplained things that happen.

Why?

Because I treat every film the same. You should, too…

Alien… Oooh, and egg… I’ll put my face in it… and then get let back on the ship… and then have an alien grow incredibly fast, and hide in impossible places… Then, finally, I’ll strip down to my pants to escape…

Aliens… Shit… a massive Alien… That, you know, laid the eggs in the first film…But, WAIT… The alien came first, right? Or the egg? No, the egg came first? Fuck off. Anyway, lets open the door to space, and just… you know… hold on.

Fight Club…Wait… The guy was actually the other guy all along… What… That makes no sense… Shhhhh.

Sixth Sense… He’s a ghost? What? Fuck off.

Toy Story… Toys talking? Fuck off.

Die Hard… He jumps from the top of a building… right… wait… with a fire hose as safety belt? Is that rational? I’d rather pet a hammered/xeno cobra/cock-alien.

Inception… Don’t. Even. Start.

Dark Knight… Urgh… So much of this is retarded, it’s untrue. And I’m not talking about a man dressing as a bat. And barely being able to turn his neck. And no-one knows he’s Batman? And The Joker kindaps both the love of his life, and the man he’s saying is the future of Gotham… And effectively kills them both? Fuck off.

Avengers… Wait, so Thor and Loki are stuck on their little planet… then both just appear… Haha. that Joss Whedon is such a cad. (And a fat twat)… Don’t get me started on the fact the Hulk can suddenly change in a millisecond… that’s almost as criminal as “goo” having different effects on different people, in different environments…

Star Wars… So much wrong its untrue… Let’s talk about characters acting irrationally… You could annihilate it… Oh, and the one shot, one kill, bring the whole Empire thing, down? Fuck off.

Super 8… An alien that big… SILENT when it moves… Fuck off. That builds a ship out of microwaves… and lived under everyone the whole time? Fuck off.

Jurassic Park… Dinosaurs? From DNA? Fuck off. T-Rex’s sneaking up on people? Tricksy little bastards.

Jaws… While we’re animal-bashing… a Giant shark… Just call the Navy and blow the shit out of it. The end. No, you fuck off.

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes… Monkeys! Talking! Fuck. Off.

Lost… Don’t get me started…

Watchman… He’s going to wipe out mankind? Using… a… um… giant thing… with a blue cock?

Shawsh… Oh, don’t even get me started. He chiselled a human sized hole? That no one noticed? And he put a fucking poster over, to hide it? And he put it up on the wall… um… from the outside? No sale. Fuck off.

Films, eh. Bloody hell. If you think about it, they’re ALL shit. So, you know… don’t think too hard.

Now… let’s all get pissed, shall we?